Her

I don’t remember her…I suppose I have flashes and I can form this girl from memories of others…of photos but to remember her myself is difficult. 

This girl I once was…She was so young and naïve.  She thought the world was full of rainbows and no one hurt. 

She was always smiling… to the point of shining.  She climbed trees as high as she could go. She believed in everyone.  She believed in herself. 

She was only 8 years old.  I wish I could remember her.  When I see photos of her I try to feel the life she once lived.

I try to feel her joy and excitement.  I try to see the colors. I can’t I’m forever numb.  The woman I am now is hurting…a constant pain.  I sometimes can’t feel anything and other times I feel too much. Sometimes I feel suffocated and I feel as though the world is closing in on me.  I can’t see the colors. I’m blinded to them. I am lost..broken.  I need people. I need the energy they provide. I feed off them.  I don’t want to be alone yet I don’t want to be with people.  I’m scarred from years of self torture just so I can feel something.  I’m a contradictory to myself.

I love my boyfriend and kids because I know what love is but I will never feel the carefree love they feel. I am who I am because of anothers inclination