The Ambien Monster

Ambien is a necessary evil.  I can’t fall sleep or stay asleep without taking it.  My mind races and I often wake with nightmares.  I have tried many other sleep agents without success.

Ambien is unlike any other sedative.  When it first came out it was a substitute for benzos because it was thought to be less addictive….haha!  Obviously that FDA has changed their tune on this.  Not only is it habit-forming but many people have been found sleep eating, sleep walking or sleep driving after taking one of those fabulous evil pills.

I have woken up with food wrappers in my bed from a feast I have no recollection of. Packages arriving at my front door from Amazon that I don’t remember ordering.  Then there are the texts to friends that make no sense.  Obviously this has caused some extra life stressors… My waistline has increased, my bank account decreased, my boyfriend is irritated and my friends are getting weird texts in the middle of the night.  I will say my friends do love when the “Ambien Monster” shows its ugly face because they get to laugh about it for weeks.

To give an example I’ve attached the text messages I’ve sent…I mean texts that the “Ambien Monster” has sent.  My friends love combining the texts and sending them to me.

Though I’ve had plenty of humor curiosity of Ambien I do feel the need to stress that it has the potential to be a dangerous drug.  It shouldn’t be used recreationally and only prescribed by a physician.  I would love not to take it.  Unfortunately it is a necessary evil.  If I go to many nights without sleep I spiral into the borderline/major depressive hole… And that hole can be deadlier than any Ambien monster.

Ambien texts (spelling and grammar not changed):


A: Bitchswhores clean out your hey tell box!!! Damnit I am important
M: Woman go to bed!!!!!
A: What r u wanting to do with me in bed?? Ohhh I see Bath Salts are on the menu. Bitch better not bits my eye ball

Jan 1
A: I want a kangaroo. How much is one? Me likey to Ridey in its stomach pouch. I hop in and it hops on. Up and down up and down boingy boingy hop hop hop. Slow down Roo I am getting diZzy. Oh crap her baby kangaroo has seen me we will fight to the death winning a place in her pouch o warmth

Dec 22
A: Do u ever worry about elephant stampedes. They r a riot. There trunks flapping side to side while they run. Look at their cute butts and that tail! What are they running to..or from..maybe playing chicken

Oct 5
A: Queer eye for the straight guy? What about queer eye for the Buffalos. Seriously they stink, poo on themselves, spit. Need I go on. Yes if the queer one eyed guy. Says he is going to changie the world one dirty bison at a time

June 25
A: Popcorn the dog eats./:: I want a microwave size chocolate bar

July 17
A: Wonder what they would do. Like an elk….what would an elk do..they have elk there right? Or what about inbreds
I want to feed an animal ambein

Oct 11
A: Watch out for dem inbreeds they like assholes and require an enterence fee. I am with g dance g with the stars and took a itty bitty bitty itty bitty bit of ambein

A: Calm urself cowgirl. All this anxiety on ur part is making me need to take a dump
I’m a cowgirl now..yerehaww where dem cows I need to rope them and tie up their legs before they spit into my phone
Cows dont understand we r stronger. We have weapons too… tampons

Oct 2
A: I have a mission to mars. It will bring us close to the Milky way but that is ok bc it is made of chocolate. I don’t think birds will fly with us though something about there gps system