Can’t get out if bed

Today is one of those days I dread.  I’m sad, consumed in my grief.  I went to bed last night, Monday, around 5:00 p.m. and am still in bed at 2:00 p.m, Tuesday.  I’ve been asleep all but three of those hours.  This is my depression.  It’s all-consuming.

Depression…It comes in like a fog

Slowly rolling, building, thick and heavy

Covering everything in its path

The light, the warmth, the smiles freeze and everything blurs

The colors bleed and fade from sight

Darkness covers everything

All is gray…Dull…sad

My chest is tight, it’s hard to breath

My pain and fear surround me

Memories flood my mind

He’s here

I can feel him

His breath on my neck

I freeze

Though physically I’m alone

Alone in the darkness

Where it is cold

Alone with his memories on my skin

How does one kill the memories

Kill the darkness

Kill the constant pain

How do you kill that part without killing yourself…

 

I’m not suicidal now.  I’m depressed, melancholy but I don’t have the energy to physically do anything but lay here.  Sleep… The only time my mind is at rest.  Though nightmares occur when I’m asleep it is the nightmares I see when I’m awake that hurt me most.

I can’t help but always feel so selfish.  Scrolling through my Facebook feed I see a post of a friend’s sister’s ten-year old daughter dying, another friend is starting chemo for the fifth time, a friend’s dog just passed away.  All these terrible things happening and what do I do… Sleep.  I am so selfish.

Depression robs you of happiness.  It robs you of normal emotions.  Depression has robbed me of so many things.

It’s a chemical imbalance…I have a family history of it…I was abused as a child…I had an abortion against my will…YES…I had shitty things happen to me but I am alive.  I have two beautiful children and a boyfriend that accepts all these faults.  Why can’t I be happy?  Why am I crying?  Why am I so tired?  Why does life seem impossible?  Why me?  Why you?  Why?