Today is one of those days I dread. I’m sad, consumed in my grief. I went to bed last night, Monday, around 5:00 p.m. and am still in bed at 2:00 p.m, Tuesday. I’ve been asleep all but three of those hours. This is my depression. It’s all-consuming.
Depression…It comes in like a fog
Slowly rolling, building, thick and heavy
Covering everything in its path
The light, the warmth, the smiles freeze and everything blurs
The colors bleed and fade from sight
Darkness covers everything
All is gray…Dull…sad
My chest is tight, it’s hard to breath
My pain and fear surround me
Memories flood my mind
I can feel him
His breath on my neck
Though physically I’m alone
Alone in the darkness
Where it is cold
Alone with his memories on my skin
How does one kill the memories
Kill the darkness
Kill the constant pain
How do you kill that part without killing yourself…
I’m not suicidal now. I’m depressed, melancholy but I don’t have the energy to physically do anything but lay here. Sleep… The only time my mind is at rest. Though nightmares occur when I’m asleep it is the nightmares I see when I’m awake that hurt me most.
I can’t help but always feel so selfish. Scrolling through my Facebook feed I see a post of a friend’s sister’s ten-year old daughter dying, another friend is starting chemo for the fifth time, a friend’s dog just passed away. All these terrible things happening and what do I do… Sleep. I am so selfish.
Depression robs you of happiness. It robs you of normal emotions. Depression has robbed me of so many things.
It’s a chemical imbalance…I have a family history of it…I was abused as a child…I had an abortion against my will…YES…I had shitty things happen to me but I am alive. I have two beautiful children and a boyfriend that accepts all these faults. Why can’t I be happy? Why am I crying? Why am I so tired? Why does life seem impossible? Why me? Why you? Why?