Behind Angel eyes
Behind Angel eyes
Let me show you how I love
Though different from others
I feel way too strong
And hurt much too easily
Will you stay when I push you away
Or leave because it’s easier
Someone like myself has always been difficult to love
Will you see my scars as warrior stripes
Each line a sign of surviving
It matters to me what you think
I’m damaged, as you can see
You can’t fix me, you can just love me
Just as I am
With depression it is sometimes… Most the time… All the time… hard to see the beauty when it is right in front of you… In your living room… Blooming bright colors that scream ” IT’S WINTER OUTSIDE AND SPRING INSIDE…WOMAN LOOK AT HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM”. Today I see the colors and beauty. Yesterday I didn’t. Who knows what tomorrow might bring…What triggers I might face. I’m not alone in my struggle… What I’ve been through is minimal compared to what others have gone through or continue to go through.
So a man decided it would be fun to force his sinful ways on me when I was young… Why can’t I move past it? Probably because of his lack of control paved the way for many years of bad choices. I “dated” a 27-year-old when I was 15…I became pregnant at 17 and don’t even get me started on not having a voice as to whether my baby should be aborted. These series of unfortunate events lead me down the Borderline road and believe me it isn’t a yellow brick road… It’s more like a one lane Rocky mountain road.
There are only a handful of people who know the extent of my mental illness. Yes I have shared with many people that I have depression because it is better understood than Borderline Personality Disorder. The responses to me having depression are as such “you?… No I would have never guessed… You are always so happy and bubbly”. That’s an act people. I don’t want the mom’s at my children’s school to know I cut myself to feel alive… Or I cut myself to control my emotions. My children would never be invited for playdates. Instead I put on my apron and my smile and help bake cookies for the bake sale.
It is such a catch 22. On one hand I want the world to know. I want to help others and not be ashamed. On the other hand it’s scary… My scars are scary… My mental illness is scary. I do not want my children seeing their mom this way. I don’t want them to feel shunned by their community.
Oh lovely Borderline Personality Disorder, why me… Depression why me…PTSD why me… dissociations…BTW can you pick a different time to give me the out-of-body experience? In the middle of a conversation is really poor planning on your part.
Yes, I speak to my mental illness like it is its own person. Because she’s a real bitch and I am not. I don’t want to be my mental illness. I just want to be free. Free from the nightmares. Free from the guilt. Free from the shame. Free from the cutting. Free from the crazy.
Nope not free yet. Maybe someday.
Today is one of those days I dread. I’m sad, consumed in my grief. I went to bed last night, Monday, around 5:00 p.m. and am still in bed at 2:00 p.m, Tuesday. I’ve been asleep all but three of those hours. This is my depression. It’s all-consuming.
Depression…It comes in like a fog
Slowly rolling, building, thick and heavy
Covering everything in its path
The light, the warmth, the smiles freeze and everything blurs
The colors bleed and fade from sight
Darkness covers everything
All is gray…Dull…sad
My chest is tight, it’s hard to breath
My pain and fear surround me
Memories flood my mind
I can feel him
His breath on my neck
Though physically I’m alone
Alone in the darkness
Where it is cold
Alone with his memories on my skin
How does one kill the memories
Kill the darkness
Kill the constant pain
How do you kill that part without killing yourself…
I’m not suicidal now. I’m depressed, melancholy but I don’t have the energy to physically do anything but lay here. Sleep… The only time my mind is at rest. Though nightmares occur when I’m asleep it is the nightmares I see when I’m awake that hurt me most.
I can’t help but always feel so selfish. Scrolling through my Facebook feed I see a post of a friend’s sister’s ten-year old daughter dying, another friend is starting chemo for the fifth time, a friend’s dog just passed away. All these terrible things happening and what do I do… Sleep. I am so selfish.
Depression robs you of happiness. It robs you of normal emotions. Depression has robbed me of so many things.
It’s a chemical imbalance…I have a family history of it…I was abused as a child…I had an abortion against my will…YES…I had shitty things happen to me but I am alive. I have two beautiful children and a boyfriend that accepts all these faults. Why can’t I be happy? Why am I crying? Why am I so tired? Why does life seem impossible? Why me? Why you? Why?
After visiting my blog you may be asking yourself… What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? Maybe you have an idea of what this diagnosis entails. Possibly you suffer from BPD.
It’s always good to start with a professional definition. The proper definition given by NAMI (National Allianceis: “Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a condition characterized by difficulties regulating emotion. This means that people who experience BPD feel emotions intensely and for extended periods of time, and it is harder for them to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally triggering event. This difficulty can lead to impulsivity, poor self-image, stormy relationships and intense emotional responses to stressors. Struggling with self-regulation can also result in dangerous behaviors such as self-harm (e.g. cutting).”
Professional definitions are so technical.
Not every Borderline is the same. This is my personal experience as a person living with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I was diagnosed six years ago by my psychiatrist. The first psychiatrist I had ever seen and she was amazing. My first psychiatrist gave me the first eye opening view into who this monster in me was.
In my opinion Borderlines are a huge contradiction. First let’s start with the disorders biggest characteristic… Our emotions. We have disregulated emotions. We love fearlessly and hate fiercer. We are afraid of being alone and yet we have trouble accepting why someone would want to be with us. In our mind we feel they must have alterior motives. I keep relationships at arm’s length because I can’t bear to be hurt. If I feel you are creeping into my hidden self…I immediately do things to push you away. I don’t want you to leave… I’m just scared. It takes a special person to not only love a borderline but put up with their emotional outbursts.
When we love with every inch of our heart. Break the trust of a borderline and you are immediately out of their life.
These emotions, which are still hard to process, bubble up inside and feel an intense urge to be released. Anger is another borderline characteristic. We explode. But unlike a lot of Borderlines I turn my anger inward. I hit myself, punch my face and cut my hips. This releases the anger I feel. I use self harm to deal with other emotions too like when I’m sad, confused, afraid or numb. Borderlines ‘feel’ ten times harder and occasionally we are not able to put into words the emotions we are feeling. Personally I am hypersensitive to other people’s emotions too. Anger, nervousness and hate. When someone is around me feeling these feelings my anxiety goes through the roof. I feel as though I have an invisible elephant sitting on my chest. I can’t wait to escape. I avoid parties or any get together because of this. My emotional issues along with others emotions just don’t mix.
With all these emotions and feelings, here is the second contradiction… I’m half dead inside. I’m empty. On one hand we feel too much on the other we are a shell of a human. Borderlines have been through so much in their lives they shut down. I’m jealous of the living because they only get a glimpse into the darkness. I wanted to feel fully alive so I would drink which made problems worse, have promiscuous sex which lead to an increased feeling of emptiness, and cutting. When the darkness takes over and the numbness is all I feel, it’s like death comes knocking on the door.
The few friends I have love my non-medicated borderline self because she is spontaneous, hyper, funny and always up for a good time. The problem is one second I’m on top of the world and the next I’m contemplating the ways I want to die. This is the borderline my friends typically avoid. Unfortunately, this is the time I need them the most. They were their the first and second suicide attempts or threats but after the third they avoided me. I don’t blame them. I’m a lot to handle. My disorder is a lot to handle. Hell I can’t handle myself.
This was a glimpse into my borderline life. Borderline isn’t the only disorder I suffer from. I have PTSD, major depression and dissociation. In a future post I’ll delve into my past.
One more thing….
Girl, Interrupted is a memoir turned motion picture written by Susanna Kaysen and portayed by Winona Ryder. I haven’t read the memoir yet…but it is on my list of necessary reads.
In the movie Susanna is a young woman diagnosed with BPD. We get a small enough glimpse into her past to understand she has had a history of depression, self harm, dissociation, attempted suicide, and promiscuous relations including a school mate’s father.
After voluntarily checking herself into a psychiatric hospital she receives the diagnoses of BPD. If you haven’t seen this movie I highly recommend it…not only because of the BPD education although small, but also because Angelina Jolie plays an amazing role as a sociopath.
Susanna explains what most people with BPD feel “My situation was that I was in pain and nobody knew it, even I had trouble knowing it. So I told myself, over and over, You are in pain. It was the only way I could get through to myself. I was demonstrating externally and irrefutably an inward condition.”
I’m very thankful to feedspot for recognizing my blog. I’m new and starting out is always the hardest.
My mental illnesses are part of who I am… Do I wish I could change them… Definitely but I can’t. I’m leaning to mold my life too accommodate it. It is important your accept your diagnosis and learn about it. Seek a licensed professional for diagnosis and treatment, see s counselor, enroll in support groups. Knowing you are not alone is half the battle.
Thank you again feedspot!!
Whispers all around
What are they saying
Why all the frowns
Are they talking about me
My recent decent
My fall into madness
My weakness all is unpleasant
Am I mad
Is this what it is
Have I gone off my rocker
Become unstable again?
Ambien is a necessary evil. I can’t fall sleep or stay asleep without taking it. My mind races and I often wake with nightmares. I have tried many other sleep agents without success.
Ambien is unlike any other sedative. When it first came out it was a substitute for benzos because it was thought to be less addictive….haha! Obviously that FDA has changed their tune on this. Not only is it habit-forming but many people have been found sleep eating, sleep walking or sleep driving after taking one of those fabulous evil pills.
I have woken up with food wrappers in my bed from a feast I have no recollection of. Packages arriving at my front door from Amazon that I don’t remember ordering. Then there are the texts to friends that make no sense. Obviously this has caused some extra life stressors… My waistline has increased, my bank account decreased, my boyfriend is irritated and my friends are getting weird texts in the middle of the night. I will say my friends do love when the “Ambien Monster” shows its ugly face because they get to laugh about it for weeks.
To give an example I’ve attached the text messages I’ve sent…I mean texts that the “Ambien Monster” has sent. My friends love combining the texts and sending them to me.
Though I’ve had plenty of humor curiosity of Ambien I do feel the need to stress that it has the potential to be a dangerous drug. It shouldn’t be used recreationally and only prescribed by a physician. I would love not to take it. Unfortunately it is a necessary evil. If I go to many nights without sleep I spiral into the borderline/major depressive hole… And that hole can be deadlier than any Ambien monster.
Ambien texts (spelling and grammar not changed):
A: Bitchswhores clean out your hey tell box!!! Damnit I am important
M: Woman go to bed!!!!!
A: What r u wanting to do with me in bed?? Ohhh I see Bath Salts are on the menu. Bitch better not bits my eye ball
A: I want a kangaroo. How much is one? Me likey to Ridey in its stomach pouch. I hop in and it hops on. Up and down up and down boingy boingy hop hop hop. Slow down Roo I am getting diZzy. Oh crap her baby kangaroo has seen me we will fight to the death winning a place in her pouch o warmth
A: Do u ever worry about elephant stampedes. They r a riot. There trunks flapping side to side while they run. Look at their cute butts and that tail! What are they running to..or from..maybe playing chicken
A: Queer eye for the straight guy? What about queer eye for the Buffalos. Seriously they stink, poo on themselves, spit. Need I go on. Yes if the queer one eyed guy. Says he is going to changie the world one dirty bison at a time
A: Popcorn the dog eats./:: I want a microwave size chocolate bar
A: Wonder what they would do. Like an elk….what would an elk do..they have elk there right? Or what about inbreds
I want to feed an animal ambein
A: Watch out for dem inbreeds they like assholes and require an enterence fee. I am with g dance g with the stars and took a itty bitty bitty itty bitty bit of ambein
A: Calm urself cowgirl. All this anxiety on ur part is making me need to take a dump
I’m a cowgirl now..yerehaww where dem cows I need to rope them and tie up their legs before they spit into my phone
Cows dont understand we r stronger. We have weapons too… tampons
A: I have a mission to mars. It will bring us close to the Milky way but that is ok bc it is made of chocolate. I don’t think birds will fly with us though something about there gps system
Please do not label us as victims. We are survivors, warriors. We have seen evil; experienced evil in a way no person should.
Calling us victims make us feel weak, passive. We are not these things. We are strong, fierce and taking make the control someone forcefully took.
Whispers all around
What are they saying
Why all the frowns
Are there talking about me
My recent decent
My fall into madness
My weakness is unpleasant