Scars

Trigger warning and real life in your face:

I’m now in recovery mode. When in this mode is when I actually “see” the damage I have done to my body.  The scars, I feel, become more noticeable.. Darker…deeper red… Like a huge neon sign blinking and pointing “look at me.. seriously unstable woman”. 

My daughter is at the age, when she asks about my scars I can’t give my usual excuse that sufficed when she was younger…they are from “the cat scratching me”.  She is so smart and her curious little mind knows the truth.  I never want appear as a disappointment to my children.  I don’t want them to ever feel their mom is weak.

Why do I allow myself to ruin my body in this way?  Why is my mental illness so visually apparent?

Wearing a swimsuit is embarrassing.  I’m too young to wear a grandma swimsuit to cover my hips. 

We all are drawn to a certain place of darkness to inflict our pain. Some people aren’t so outward in their suffering.  Some choose alcohol (which unfortunately I’m a recovering alcoholic) others use drugs.  Everyone has a vice… Life is my vice.  Evil was done to me by another.  I don’t want to hurt others because of him.  Just myself.  Anger inward.  Hate inward.  You hurt me, I hurt me.  Makes sense right??  Well to a borderline it does.

The scars I have are on my hips, I suppose, I am serendipitous in that regards.  I can hide it to a degree.

Unfortunately, I do not think my recovery will last forever and I will be drawn to that spot again on my hips to ease my reoccurring pain. I can only hope that my recovery well stabilize for a longer period this time.

I can’t count how many scars are on each hip. So many years, so many tears.  Years of fear of myself and others.  Lost in my pain.  Self lothing.  No matter what I will eventually leave this body.  My scars evidently present on my body.  My soul marked with a different scar.  Prayers to all the sufferers of life.  You are not alone.

2 thoughts on “Scars

  1. I recognize those scars. My youngest daughter has them on her thighs, inner arm and lower leg. Her sisters think she’s a “drama queen,” seeking attention.
    I understand. I have scars but they’re on my heart.
    My daughter was blessed with beauty. Her sisters were blessed with “prettyness,” They are all intelligent and talented, yet when their daddy introduced them, the first two were “the brilliant” ones and my youngest was always introduced as “oh, and she’s the beautiful one.”
    I am so sorry you have had to endure so much pain. I’s sorry she has had to.
    Never let anyone judge you and never judge yourself. No one has the right to judge us or anybody for the way they/we choose to try to repair or ease the pain and brokenness we have suffered.

    1. That was beautiful. You are a remarkable woman to recognize this in your daughter. It’s amazing how deep words can cut… If she is willing to”ruin” her “beauty” then her life may not be that important to her. I’m sure you know this…I just shouldn’t feel right not saying it. Borderlines have been labeled as “drama queens” for years. We aren’t.. We just feel everything so much more. Good luck to you and your daughter. It sounds like you are a major support for her and maybe she for you. Much love to you and her. If you or her need to talk please let me know.

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